Porn isn’t anything new, but talking about it is.
Between computers, tablets, and cell phones, teens don’t need to go far to find internet porn. But just like the proverbial Playboy tucked under a mattress, this isn’t the end of the world — it’s just time to have a chat. While talking about pornography with your child may be uncomfortable, it’s incredibly important to help them understand the truth about mature sexual relationships.
So how should you talk to your teen about porn?
“The first thing I would say is to try to stay calm and not freak out,” Diana Graber, M.A., digital literacy educator and author of Raising Humans in a Digital World tells Parentology. She acknowledges that most young people will have already encountered porn at some point in their online lives — either stumbling across it online or hearing about it from other kids and turning to Google to learn more.
“In other words, it’s almost impossible for kids to get through their teen years without being exposed to sexual images or videos,” she says. “So hopefully parents have already talked to their children about their expectations for appropriate online behavior.”
And, to be clear, parents should have a discussion with their children before they find out they’ve watched porn, not after.
“The moment a parent hands a connected device to a child is the time to talk about your family’s expectations and values regarding how that connected device is to be used,” she says. “This conversation should include what type of content is appropriate to access and share.”
Graber advises parents to have a technology agreement in place. “Go through it together and be sure your child understands your expectations. If you feel your child is too young to have this conversation or these responsibilities, then they’re definitely too young to have a connected device that can access anything and everything online.”
Graber suggests that parents make a checklist to help them determine if their child is ready for a device — an example of which can be found in her book. Parents can also check out Cyberwise, the organization Graber founded to teach digital literacy in schools. It contains a technology agreement like the one mentioned in Graber’s book.
For adults of a certain age, pornographic images may not seem like such a big deal. The aforementioned Playboy under the mattress almost seems like a teenage rite of passage. But times have changed and young people now have access to much more graphic material and in greater quantities, and that can have an impact on a young person’s development.
“Pornography is a horrible way to learn about sex,” Graber says. “It objectifies and dehumanizes women, and it gives youth a false expectation of how/what sex should be. It also places unrealistic expectations upon girls and can affect how they view themselves and their self-esteem. Some youth can even form an addiction to pornography, and end up feeling deep shame about sex.”
Likewise, Graber notes that once a video or image is viewed, it is impossible for the child to forget or erase the imagery. “So it is essential for a parent to do whatever they can to eliminate the possibility that their children, especially their young ones, learn about sex from their phones,” she says.
Adding to this should be a discussion on sexting. In Graber’s 8th-grade “Cyber Civics” class she reminds students that having naked images or “sexts” on their phones is essentially the same as possessing pornography. This means that sexting is a necessary part of the conversation.
However, when Graber surveys her students, asking what the most important lesson they learned in her class over the past three years is, the majority say, “The lesson on pornography.”
The bottom line is this: If parents approach the topic proactively and purposefully, the lesson sticks. And if parents make a point of prioritizing respect and caution online, their child will, too.
How to Talk to Your Teen about Porn — Sources
Diana Graber, M.A., digital literacy educator and advocate
Founder, Cyber Civics and CyberWise Learning Hub