Hot dog-flavored ice cream.
Let me say that again. Hot dog. Flavored. Ice cream.
In what can only be described as an affront to humanity (and to the lining of your esophagus), Oscar Mayer and its partner, New York-based Il Laboratorio Del Gelato, have unveiled the new Ice Dog Sandwich. It’s hot dog ice cream on a cookie bun, topped with bits of candied hot dogs and mixed with Dijon Gelato.
Oh, hey, it gets worse.
Oscar Mayer refers to its ice cream as “hot dog sweet.” I don’t know what hot dog sweet tastes like, but my imagination is taking me to a terrible place. You too? Wait, don’t tell me what you’re thinking. Please. I can’t bear it. My stomach is doing a Greg Louganis into my feet right now.
Why is this happening, you ask? It was to mark National Ice Cream Sandwich day, of course. That was August 2. But starting next week, New Yorkers will be able to try the Ice Dog Sandwich when the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile rolls into town to test everyone’s gag reflex.
“I’m looking forward to it,” said Douglas, a fictional seven-year-old that I totally made up. “I’m tired of the same old flavors. Have you tried the Pickled Mango flavor at Jeni’s in Columbus? Mmmm! Superb.”
To make things even weirder, Oscar Mayer is engaged in some sort of ice cream Twitter war with French’s Mustard. See, French’s came up with mustard-flavored ice cream. Why? We can only dream of a reasonable answer. But Oscar Mayer apparently thinks it’s stupid.
“Who eats just mustard @Frenchs?” Oscar Mayer tweeted. “Condiments were made for Oscar Mayer hot dogs.”
Right, because it would be too bizarre to just eat mustard ice cream, while eating an Ice Dog Sandwich would be totally normal and…oh why am I even bothering?!!
Oscar Mayer also tweeted a poll in which they asked Twitter users if they want to try the Ice Dog Sandwich. Out of over 5,000 votes, 72% said no.
“How ‘bout the Pear & Blue Cheese flavor at Salt & Straw in Portland, Oregon?” Douglas said. “Or how ‘bout lobster? Or bourbon and cornflakes? Or Creole Tomato at Creole Creamery in New Orleans? There are so many strange and interesting and delicious flavors now. It’s not just about chocolate and vanilla anymore!”
Be quiet, Douglas, you’re not even a real kid.
For my part, I just hope nobody licks the ice cream and puts it back on the shelf.