Parentification: 5 Signs Your Kid Is Parenting You

Tensions in the home can result in a kid taking care of family members long before they’re ready. Called “Parentification,” this role reversal makes kids feel like they have to hold their own family together.

A parent-child relationship can be difficult to balance, especially if your bond is close, but it’s important to establish boundaries. It’s most common in children of divorce, single-parent families, and among oldest siblings in charge of little ones, but “parentification” can happen any time a child’s physical or emotional needs aren’t met.

According to the Encyclopedia of Adolescence, as many as 1.4 million U.S. children between the ages of eight and 18 are “parentified” — a surprisingly widespread issue for how little it’s discussed. Robert Steele, Professor of Psychology at Wesleyan University, tells Parentology the impact of “parentification” can’t be underestimated.

“Inept parents produce highly anxious children — whether it’s substance abuse, emotional immaturity, or a lack of time and resources, adults who can’t properly care for their dependents often push them away,” Steele says. “These children, who under pressure, may try to leave home as soon as possible… or turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms to self-soothe.”

Childhood is important — no kid should have to grow up too fast because they’re responsible for their siblings, or even their own parents. Though sometimes hard to spot, here are five warning signs your kid may feel as responsible for you as you are for them.

1. You’re Oversharing 

As a child matures and gets closer to adulthood, it’s normal for parents to be more comfortable sharing their feelings and struggles. But as relieving as this may be for a parent, it puts too much pressure on kids, who likely don’t want to fail or disappoint anyone.

Dr. Lisa M. Hooper, professor at the University of Louisville, reminds readers in her article “Defining and Understanding Parentification” that “children shouldn’t be serving the intimate needs of a parent, or placed in the role of secret-keeper,” adding that consistent oversharing can cause significant anxiety for kids. Instead, parents should confide in trusted friends, adult family members, or a therapist — your child has enough on their plate.

2. Your Child is the Peacemaker

Especially in blended families (post-divorce or with added step-parents), kids can find themselves in the position of mediator between adults who aren’t communicating with each other. In the case of separation, a child may be the only remaining connection between parents, but that doesn’t mean they should have to transfer messages or soothe after arguments.

Dr. Gregory Jurkovich, professor at UC Davis, developed a questionnaire to identify parentified kids, with true-or-false statements like “In my family I often feel like a referee” and “At times I feel I am the only one my mother or father can turn to.” His book Lost Childhoods: The Plight Of The Parentified Child explains parentified children often struggle with trust issues and relationships later in life, and can suffer from anxiety and depression in the short term.

Prioritize your child’s mental health by addressing your partner or ex-partner directly, allowing kids and teens to develop a relationship with both parents, separately.

3. They’re the Caretaker

Older kids can be very helpful, even necessary, when it comes to caring for their younger siblings. Some teens are mature enough to take on this role, but often the stress of supervising siblings when a parent is unable can have negative effects on development. Yes, chores teach responsibility, and kids can be wonderful role models for their siblings, but remember your child didn’t choose to be a parent. 

Professor Linda Burton warns this kind of “childhood adultification” can result in other premature adult behaviors — drinking, smoking, and dropping out of school — because it’s impossible to be a kid and a parent at the same time. Check in with your teen, especially if they’re helping you care for younger children. Their growth and education should always be a priority.

4. You’re Losing Their Respect

Sometimes a child acting out or talking back can mean something else is going on. It might be hard for them to communicate this, but feeling trapped or burdened at home can often result in distrust and disrespect for authority. Parentification is a serious stressor, affecting kids in ways they may not know how to express or deal with. Check in with your kid, especially if they’re acting out or in crisis — it’s the best way to re-establish your role as their guardian.

Dr. Jurkovic warns although some children adapt well to parentification and mature in a positive way, most child development specialists agree the process is usually destructive to a family relationship. It’s hard to keep up appropriate boundaries with your child as they get older, and there’s not as many parenting books out there for young adults.

5. They’re Not Appreciated

According to Dr. Hooper, in many families, parentification “goes unnoticed, unrecognized, and unrewarded.” She emphasizes the importance of knowing the difference between destructive and constructive parentification.

“Temporary caring for a parent while she or he recovers from surgery” may lead to competency and pride, while long-term parentification can put strain on a child. Dr. Hooper tells Parentology in destructive cases, adolescents are “unable to engage in age-appropriate activities, and must put the family needs before his or her own.”

She notes destructive parentification can be identified by the “extent to which the child receives recognition and reward for engaging in caregiving.” If their efforts to support a parent or sibling are taken for granted, or coupled with other forms of emotional abuse, the relationship becomes unhealthy.

The Takeaway

According to Dr. Hooper, researchers and child psychiatrists are unclear about what the “exact” right dose of adolescent caregiving is. Assisting with sibling care and gaining a parent’s trust can increase a child’s confidence, but responsibility can quickly turn to excessive pressure.

The best thing you can do is listen to your child, and remember that they are dependent on you. If you’re worried your kid is parentified, or you’re still affected by parentification from your own childhood, talk to a therapist or child development specialist.

Sources

Dr. Lisa M. Hooper
Professor Robert Steele
Fatherly.com: Parentification Quiz
Lisa M. Hooper: Defining and Understanding Parentification
BC Adoption: The Parentified Child
Washington Post: Your Child Is Not Your Confidant
Huff Post: Children Parenting Parents
Encyclopedia of Adolescence: Parentification Statistics
Lost Childhoods: The Plight of the Parentified Child by Dr. Gregory Jurkovic