Expert Family Therapist on Spring Cleaning Your Parenting

The start of a new season is the perfect time to refresh your family dynamics and ensure everyone is on the same page.

Whether you’re struggling with discipline, communication, or just feeling stuck in a rut, Dr. Erika Bocknek is here to provide tips to improve your family’s relationships and create a more harmonious home.

So grab a cup of coffee, put on your favorite playlist, and let’s get cleaning!

Refresh Your Parenting Strategies

Parenting is not a job; it’s a relationship.

That’s the paradigm shift Dr. Bocknek wants to introduce to parents wishing to dust off their parenting skills.

Maintaining a great relationship with your children is essential for their growth and development. “Parenting is preparing someone for a world you’re not an expert in,” she tells Parentology. “It is not about using control to assuage your own anxiety. We are here to be the ‘getaway driver’. We are here to be the confidante. We are here to be so wildly in love with our kids that other people can’t destroy their self-concept.”

And how do we do that?

“They have to believe that our love isn’t an obligation. People who love things are not ‘taskmasters’ of a relationship.”

One way to do this is by talking to your children about their feelings and needs and giving them consistent limits and boundaries based on a shared value system. Doing so shows them that you care about their well-being and are willing to work with them to find the best solutions.

Dr. Bocknek calls this being a “thought partner” with your children.

“Clients always ask me about how to get their kids to talk at the end of the day,” she says. “I tell them to share their own day, and then if their kids want to share, they can share, make space for it. Have favorite songs that you share, and take joy from eating dinners together. It is literally about being in a relationship in a normal human way and having the courage to do that. Trusting that that’s what’s going to matter for your kid.”

Learning From Our Mistakes

Creating an open and honest relationship with your children will help build trust and respect, which are essential for a healthy parent-child relationship. There’s bound to be hiccups along the way; remember, parenting is not a one-size-fits-all approach, and it’s okay to make mistakes.

“I am much less interested about what happens in a tough moment, whatever you say and do, than the before and after of that moment. That’s where you have the most potential for impact,” says Dr. Bocknek.

“Challenging moments tell you that growth is happening … we’re having a communication problem, and afterwards we can do some repair work, we’re set up for it. ‘You know I love you. You know that this got off track and listen, you were responsible too. It’s safe for you to say you’re sorry. I’m really sorry. I made a big mistake. I couldn’t find the words.'”

Staying rooted in your family values can help reiterate the importance of rules.

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“Rules need to be kind. Children are going to push back if the rule feels like it’s about power and not connection,” she says. “The rule has to be ‘because I care about you, because my job is to help you be your best, whether that’s being your healthiest, being kind, whatever your values are.’ The rule has to be an example of that.”

Dr. Bocknek refers to a story about her own tween.

“I’m wrestling with him right now about having a phone. Everybody else has one. He does not.”

“The good news at this stage is that his whole life, I have said to him, ‘What matters most to me is helping you be the best you, and because I love you so much, it means I have to be really thoughtful about introducing risks into your life.’ So now I’m saying ‘no’ all the time, and it’s getting harder … But I have to keep saying to him that this matters so much to me.”

“But one day, we were in the car, which is where we often have our best conversations. And he said to me, ‘You know, mom, I’ve really been thinking, I’m really feeling bad about not having a phone. But also, sometimes it occurs to me that you’re really showing me what it means to stick to your values, even when it’s hard. And I appreciate that.’ That’s the power of kindness.”

Also, remember to be kind to yourself as you navigate the ups and downs of parenting. We all make mistakes; it’s essential to learn from them and move on.

Be patient with yourself, and remember to acknowledge your successes.

Maintaining a Great Relationship With Your Kids

When your children feel heard and validated, they are more likely to open up and share their thoughts and feelings with you. This strengthens the bond between you and your child and creates a more positive relationship. Building a strong relationship with your kids is an ongoing process, but practicing good communication and active listening is a great place to start.

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One of the best ways to keep that relationship strong is by regularly showing your children how much you care and appreciate them as individuals.

“The thing about interconnectedness that gets lost is that it’s actually not just having the relationship. It really is about being fully present,” she says. “And parents, particularly mothers, engage in their parenting relationships in a pretty robotic way because the assumption is that they’re there to give care. But for children to be mentally healthy, they have to be in love, literally wrapped in love with a person. And we have to be present and not be afraid of the impact of that.”

Make sure to express your love and affection clearly, whether it’s through kind words, hugs, or spending quality time together. Take the time to get to know your children’s unique qualities and interests so you can nurture and support their individuality.

When you show your children how much you value them for who they are, it helps them build confidence and a sense of self-worth. So, make it a priority to regularly express your love and appreciation for your children, and watch as your relationship with them continues to flourish.

Take a Step Back

As parents, we often get so caught up in the day-to-day chaos of family life that we forget to take a step back and evaluate our parenting strategies. Spring cleaning your parenting may seem like a daunting task, but it’s essential to ensure that your family dynamics are healthy and thriving.

“We are really starting to understand that mental health is interconnectedness, safety, relationships, and belongingness,” Dr. Bocknek says. “Those aren’t just the pathways to mental health; they’re not just the ways that we manage our feelings. It’s actually the experience of mental health.”

So go ahead and take some time to refresh your parenting style this spring – your family will thank you for it!

For more information about Dr. Erika Bocknek and her practice, visit: www.myconvo.org